A slight detour...

First, I am going to give a disclaimer, this is not a post about gluten-freeness. But this is about something I have spoken about before and something that is very difficult and painful for me, and dammit, this is my blog, so I will write about it, and maybe it will be cathartic. Pregnancy and non-pregnancy.

I have written before about how we have one wonderful, amazing, superstar daughter, Z, and she is the light of my life. I could not have ever expected how much you could love someone so unconditionally until I had her. It is hard to imagine I managed to live 32 years without her, before she came into our lives. I also wrote about how I had very serious complications in her pregnancy with severe pre-eclapmsia and HELLP syndrome. Well my little baby Z is now two months shy of 7, and for almost 7 years I have suffered PTSD of that experience.

And in those 7 years, I have enjoyed my time, more than words can say, with my little Z, but because of the PTSD, we only have our one daughter. Whenever I feel closer and closer to being able to give into that fear and just go for it, I get gripped with the horror of feeling claustrophobic and of going through the same experience I had last time, or even worse, of Z loosing her mom, just because I tried to expand our family and give her a sibling. It is a feeling of panic that is difficult to explain. When most people feel joy at the thought of pregnancy, I feel like it is an illness. I see pregnancy as a life-threatening 9-month illness, and my mind can't get away from that.

I have been to a specialist for high risk pregnancies in Chicago, and here in Atlanta, and both times they basically said the same thing. There is a risk it will happen again, about 30%, and a risk I could be on hospital bed-rest with a premature baby. At the same time they also said if I want another I should go for it. Then I ask them what they would say if I was their wife, or their daughter and they said the same thing. The last specialist to tell me that was exactly a year ago.

Well, now I am 39. Six months away from big 4-0. Looming over my head life a freaking black cloud. I used to joke with M that when I was 37 the "shop" would be closed for business, and then it was 38, and now...40? I am so terrified at the thought of being pregnant, yet, I don't want it to be over. I have saved every bit of Z's clothing, and all her toys. I want to use it again. I love the newborn stage and crave to do it again. I want to watch a child of mine grow from a helpless baby to someone with real thoughts and opinions. Why do I have to be so damn scared? Why can I not let go? Why can I not flip a switch? I know so many people who tell me, they know someone, who knows someone who had pre-eclampsia with one and then went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy. Well, lucky for them!

So, today lucky me, I have my annual girlie check-up. Not one of my highlights for the year. The thought of going to the girlie Dr. brings back terrible memories of my pre-eclampsia/HELLP ordeal, and I will spend all morning in a panic. And of course I walk in the office this morning and the waiting room is full of pregnant women..all except me. Since I am pretty new to Atlanta, this is only my second time to this practice, and last time I felt like the doctor was a little cold, so I decided to try a different one this time around. Maybe not the best decision.

This doctor did her routine check-up, and then I mentioned how I am still not sure I am done, and I still really want another, and then she looks at me like I have two heads and says she would not recommend I get pregnant again. That because of my age and my history, it would not be wise. That I would have a high risk of not only a repeat of the pre-eclampsia and HELLP, but also of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities and my own possible issues with infertility. And then she says this winning gem: "You should have done this five years ago." The tears started forming as the sentence came out of her mouth. How could she say this to someone? Instead, she gave me the card of a therapist to talk to about the PTSD, and my appointment was done. It was the mental equivalent of a one-night stand.

Wow. Yeah five years ago. I should have. But I didn't, and I can't change that now!!! If I got pregnant 5 years ago, I probably would have had to of been taken away in a stretcher because of major anxiety. What can I even say to this? I have made mistakes, but I can't go back in time.

"You should have done this five years ago."

I also have to think, this doctor who I saw today, while she might be the head of the practice, she is not a high-risk doctor, and she has not seen my detailed records as the specialists have. But at the same time, I am going to be 40, and that number can't be disguised. I can't get rid of it, it is standing there like a huge tollbooth that I must pass to cross the bridge into the next phase of my life, and leaving my child-bearing, fertile, young years behind. The specialists may have had more optimism, but I was also a year younger, and I know there is fact to back up with what today's doctor said so eloquently to me, but did she have to be so callous? And there is a good chance that, on my own, I would choose not to have another, because I know I cannot handle the pregnancy part of it. Which is such a shame, because what is nine months compared to a lifetime of having family. But then I guess nine months is a pretty big deal when I risk my life for it. But I just didn't want the decision to be made for me. I wanted to have that little sliver of hope left that just maybe.

"You should have done this five years ago."

It just hurts so damn much to see siblings interact and play with each other, and know that my little girl will never have that experience. She won't have a sibling to love, and I won't have another baby to raise. When my friends get pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd even 5th child I am happy, I really am, but there is a part of me that feels so sad and evious too. Ok, maybe I don't want a 4th, but I would just love a 2nd. I want that experience of having a slightly bigger family.

"You should have done this five years ago."

At the same time, I know how extremely lucky I am to have my one. And I know a lot of women who suffered from pre-eclampsia and HELLP were not so lucky. Many of them have had to leave the hospitals without a baby in their arms, and in some cases their husbands have left without their wives and babies. Z and I really are one of the lucky ones, and I am forever grateful. So why does it seem so unfair when women can have easy-breezy home births, they can have multiple children and be happy and carefree the entire time without a thought of complications. Sometimes I really wish I was one of them. Someone who when I saw that positive pregnancy test would be ecstatic, and that feeling would continue for 9 months. Why does it hurt so much?

"You should have done this five years ago."

People will ask me why we don't adopt, or have a surrogate. And the answer is simple. Money. I would absolutely adopt in a second if I could. It doesn't seem fair does it, with so many children around the world without parents because of war or famine, even in our own country. Yet to give one of these children a loving home we have to have the money to get through the bureaucracy of if to make it happen. Though if I was willing to get pregnant, we would be able to have one for free...well, it would not be free after it was born, but you get my drift.

So, basically today just sucked. I was happy to have an uneventful appointment, but I left there feeling empty, confused and hurt. I still feel like I am 20, how did I get to be almost 40? I am not ready to leave this phase of life, the "childbearing" years behind. Time goes by too damn quickly.

As said on Parenthood this week, 40s are not the new 30s when it comes to your ovaries.

I hope someday there is a cure for pre-eclampsia and HELLP, so others don't have to go through the same experience.

Whoa...I apologize for the heaviness of this post.

I think the words: "You should have done this five years ago," will haunt me for way too long.

Thyroid Schmyroid, part deux

I apologize I have been totally MIA, somehow life seems to be moving way too fast. Z is going to be six, and I am just shocked that it was six years ago I had my daughter.

Ok.....got that out....anyway...I finally saw a doctor. I was going to just go to my girlie doctor, since that is the only doctor I have down here so far, but decided I should go straight to the type of doctor that specializes in this, so I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. I must admit, I have not read obsessively about underactive thryoid stuff online, because I know me, and I know I can't handle medical stuff and the more I stay away from medical research online, the better.

I must admit first....since going gluten-free my anxiety level has tremendously dropped, except when it comes to going to a doctor. Once I get ten miles from the doctor office, my heart starts racing, and I desperately need a bathroom. Yes, I said it...I get the most nervous tummy, and usually the first thing I have to do when I walk in the building, even before checking, is go to the bathroom. Am I crazy, or what?

Since this is a new doctor, I am extra nervous, and probably loose 5 pounds before I even get into the examining room. A good weight loss program for me....having to regularly go to a doctor. Major white coat syndrome.

I told the doctor what my thyroid numbers were for the last couple of years and all the sudden she breaks out an ultrasound machine....cue, my need to go potty! I wasn't expecting this, I don't like the idea of there even being a need for someone to have to look at my insides even if it is my fingertip. And honestly, if I have to have an ultrasound, I would rather it be to look for a baby and heartbeat....not some mystery thing in my throat. I thought I was going to hyperventilate and pass out when she was looking at my throat, I couldn't even look at the screen.

Thankfully, everything was fine there and then she ran a bunch of bloodwork.

The result, my TSH is 4.62, and she has me started on 25 mg Synthroid. It seems like a small amount, but I go back in, in six weeks to see how my TSH is liking it. I don't love that I have to take it first thing in the morning, an hour before food, but I am very curious how it will change how I feel. I always thought I was pretty energetic, but maybe I am not as energetic as I could be. And if I could loose weight once again, I would be more than thrilled!

And as I try to step cautiously into maybe, possibly TTC, well then I know my thyroid needs to be in good shape, and at almost 39, I don't have much time to mess around.

Other than my thyroid number, I also learned I am a little low in vitamin D, which was 28 and should be between 30-100. Hmmm...well I have taken a gel cap of 1,000 iu D3 daily for 2 years...do I need more? Do I need to lay out?

I did not yet find out if I have thyroid antibodies, but I will save finding out that bit of info until my follow-up visit.

I had spoke to some friends about Armour, the natural form of thyroid hormone, which comes from pig thyroid, and they love it, but somehow I am not in love with that idea right now.

Again, I would love to hear from people who have experience with underactive thyroid and Synthroid.

Thyroid Schmyroid

Why is it every time I make an effort to loose weight, I gain? Seriously, this sh*t is getting old, and fast! I admit, I was much better about it last year....I would not miss a Zumba class for anything, and if Zumba wasn't so fun, I would have quit after 2 months of not seeing any weight loss, but it was just so fun and made me feel so good.

So, if you remember last year, I had my doctor run all the tests to see why I am not loosing like I should be - regardless of Zumba, the gym, walking and how much I eat. I thought there has to be something going on with my thyroid or blood sugar, because this just isn't right. Granted, I have a weakness for baked gluten-free goodies, but I am not scarfing them down daily (ok, well maybe once in a while). My doctor had told me everything was normal, and I accepted that and never looked back. I figured this is the doctor who discovered out I had celiac, when I thought there was no way in h*ll I could have it, so I assumed she covered all the bases and I took her word on it.

However, the other day, a friend mentioned that sometimes thyroid numbers may seem normal, but may really be borderline and need to be treated. And that some doctors actually use different ranges as to what qualifies as "normal". I just couldn't get that out of my mind, so I called my doctor, who did the tests, and asked for the exact numbers. And funny enough, the nurse called me back with the information as I was in a bookstore looking at a book called the "The Thyroid Diet" which I just happened to walk by a minute beforehand. I was actually at the store buying I'm with the Band for my next book group meeting, not obsessing about my health, believe it or not. Sure enough the numbers looked very borderlike (according to the thyroid book I had in hand) with hypothyroid.

I called my new doctor here, and asked her opinion. She said that indeed if she ran those numbers, she would have been treating me. So now I have an appointment to get the numbers rerun and to go from there.

And of course me being the paranoid freak that I am, and who hates taking meds of any kind, am now wondering...great..what kind of side effects will I have from this? And after a brief search online, I saw some people said "weight gain"...and my jaw dropped. I will not do something that will make me gain weight! I just want my "normal" metabolism back! Also, an underactive thyroid is also not good for TTC...which is a whole other issue.

I don't feel like I have many of the symptoms except for my inability to loose weight, and I do feel pretty energetic most of the time.

Doing some more research, I see that it is very common for an underactive thyroid to go hand-in-hand with celiac, but one would think that eating gluten-free would help that out. And then I see how there are actually certain foods to avoid, which are called goitrogen foods....how nasty does that sound? And of course, most foods on this list are my favorite fruit and veg! So, let me get this....because of celiac, I can no longer eat fiber-rich whole grain bread as I used to, and with an underactive thyroid, I can no longer eat most healthy veg and "super foods"?

I may have an answer to one thing, but that just leads to so many questions. Do I really have to give up brussels sprouts, bok choy, tofu and strawberries, or is it just when they are raw? Soy, I have been trying to cut down anyway, because I think too much is not good of anything, but I do like my tofu and veggies.

I would love to hear from people who also have celiac and hypothyroid, and your experience with it.

The weighting game with a soundtrack

This weighting game is getting me down, but not in a good way. I want to see the scale go down, but it so damn stubborn. I will admit trying out bagels, muffins and cookies isn't the way to get it going. But I am so good about going to the gym and Zumba class....my goodness, what would I be like if I wasn't going??

I had my annual physical last week and brought it up...how since being diagnosed and after loosing a nice chunk of weight it came back and then some. I thought maybe I have an underactive thyroid or a blood sugar issue and all the tests come back normal. So frustrating.

I know I shouldn't, but I will go on the scale every morning, and it just not as satisfying as it was when I was younger when I tried to get in shape. Maybe the fact that I am 37, almost 38 is a factor. And then there is the irony of it all...that if I am going to TTC (try to get knocked up again), I want to be in great shape...so that I can gain weight all over again. But because of the pre-eclampsia and HELLP from having Z, I am terrified to go into another pregnancy in anything but perfect health. I want to make sure I have all the factors on my side before going into the great unknown for 9 months.

So on that note, I am going to get myself another Doodles peanut butter cookie, that I just whipped up, and list my current playlist for the gym:

Arcade Fire

Belle & Sebastian

The Faint

Florence and the Machine

Glasvegas

La Roux

Pulp

Radio 4

The Killers

Magic Numbers

Muse

Patrick Wolf

Queens of the Stone Age

Scissor Sisters

Suede

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists

White Lies

The Zutons

What is on your playlist?

Happy GF anniversary to me!!

Last week, March 16th to be exact, was my one-year gluten-free anniversary. I would have written last week, but ironically, the day before my anniversary, I was glutened! For the first time in like 6 months and in my own home! It definitely brought me down a few notches and I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I was all ready to get sushi that night and really celebrate the great accomplishments I have made in the past year, but after feeling super terrible the day before, the last thing I wanted was raw fish and to celebrate food.

I ended up cooking fresh veggies and tempeh over pasta for dinner the night before, and it turns out the tempeh (by Westsoy) I used must have had gluten, because within 45 minutes, I was in so much pain, I wanted to go fetal. It felt like my insides were on fire and took me 2 rounds of pepto, many cups of chamomile tea and a good night's sleep to feel semi-comfortable. Extremely frustrating when I have been so careful for a year and to have this happen in my own home after doing great for so long.

Anyway, back to my belated celebration...it seems like just yesterday I was so overwhelmed and constantly reading the forums on celiac.com and trying to get my head wrapped around my new life. Because, let's face it, that's what it is...an entirely new lifestyle. Without those wonderful people on the forum I would never have been able to get through it. I remember reading when people reached their 1-year mark and being so in awe, thinking I would never get there. It was definitely frustrating in the beginning, and sometimes I would be at public events or dinner parties and have to go to the bathroom and just cry because I felt so deprived and like an alien in the room. But since those early months it has become almost second-nature.

I used to get so depressed wishing I could just eat what was put in front of me, no questions asked, like all "normal" people. I wanted to go to a restaurant and just order and be done with it. I hated to feel like I was missing out, I hated to feel like people felt sorry for me, I hated that people didn't take me seriously, I hated that I had to be extremely careful and sound like a broken record to anyone involved in preparing any food for me. I was angry and bitter, and just plain sad. I am someone who has always loved food, and frankly have always been very careful about what I eat...I have always checked labels and avoided products with long lists of ingredients that I didn't understand, avoided overly-processed foods, and tried to eat as natural as possible, and grew what I could myself, so I just didn't feel like it was fair to be given this new obstacle. Like how could I be doing everything "right" and then be inflicted with a disease surrounding food!? I was really in a miserable place. I never knew anything about food intolerances or allergies, but I did know about reading labels, so at least I had a handle on that, but it did take a while to fully understand all of the nuances of cross-contamination, and am still constantly learning.

And the reactions I received from people was in itself enough to send me in tears. The worst was, and still is, people who think I am overreacting, that say 'you can have just a little...', or 'I know someone with celiac and they still...' Or some people who as soon as I walk in their house and offer everyone something and turn to me and announce 'oh, but I don't have anything for you,' which is perfectly fine, because I am not expecting anyone to cater to me, but why announce it and make me feel uncomfortable and like some kind of leper???

Ok, I am going to move away from the negativity, because I no longer feel negative and angry. I can now go to a dinner party and not feel deprived, I can walk by the bakery section in the grocery store and not think twice, I finally feel comfortable with it. Of course I miss certain things, because who am I kidding, it sure would make life easier, but I am ok with it. For one, it is not worth the discomfort; and 2, it is not worth knowing it is damaging me. Though, I must say, before my diagnosis when I ate gluten happily with no pain, it sure doesn't seem fair to get pain now when I cut it out, but I guess it serves as my own personal indicator for when I know gluten entered my system.

People will ask me if I feel better after going gluten-free, and it is difficult to answer, because I didn't think I had any symptoms before going gluten-free. I definitely didn't have the obvious, typical symptoms, nothing that stood out that something was wrong. I didn't have stomach aches or diarrhea. Actually I had the opposite, my system just wouldn't go, and finally it works! Though looking back now I can see that the anemia was a sign as was not being able to 'go'. I have had extreme anxiety since the birth of Z, and I must say, I do feel much more relaxed after going GF. I am not sure if it is the actual absence of gluten in my body, or because I was so anxious that I would have something wrong with me, and then I found out I do, and so far, I am still alive! When I say I had extreme anxiety I should explain where it came from, since I feel like this is also a piece of my puzzle.

(warning, this next paragraph is a bit of a detour into pregnancy)

In the 36th week of my picture-perfect pregnancy I started getting awful mid-back pain. My OB said it must be a strained muscle and sent me to physical therapy. I was going daily and it just got worse, and I was living on Tylenol and hot baths for the pain, and it did nothing. I was up in the middle of the night in tears and short of breath. I would call the OB on call and explain to them and say I was going to the go to the ER, and they would tell me that it is 'normal' pregnancy pain and the ER would send me home. And what did I know, it was my first baby. All I know is that I wanted a morphine drip and never to be pregnant again. I went in for an appointment and again they said I was fine (though they said this with no bloodwork), I had no idea if this was my heart, lungs, or what, but something was up. I would take super hot baths, even though I knew it was not a good thing to do when pregnant, because it was the only way I could sit still for 5 minutes. I stopped going to work, because I could not sit in one place, I could not go out to eat, I could not sit still period, I had no appetite, I stopped eating, I lost over 5 pounds (which is not good when you are pregnant), I felt horrible. On a Friday, when I was exactly 38 weeks, I demanded I be seen and by my OB, not one on call. We went in, and after they finally did bloodwork, they determined I had pre-eclampsia and later found out, the pain was actually my liver and I had developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP. I had heard of it, but knew it was rare, so never really thought of it as a possibility, and I didn't have the common symptoms. No swelling, no headaches, no spots in my vision, no high blood pressure, no protein in my urine, but this was what I had! I was told I was not leaving without a baby, and quickly, by emergency c-section, we had our baby girl. We had no camera, and our phones were out of power...we had no clue we were having a baby that day! Z was healthy at 4 1/2 pounds, but was definitely smaller than she should be at 38 weeks, so it was determined that she had IUGR, so obviously I had the pre-eclampsia brewing in me for quite a while, but the doctors did not catch it, even at one of the top ranked hospitals in the country! So my point is....I am sure that this experience "turned on" celiac for me, but was it celiac that was underlying and caused me to have a greater chance of developing pre-eclampsia/HELLP. I have desperately wanted another baby, but am terrified to go through this again, and risk Z loosing her mommy. I told myself after being GF a year, I will revisit getting pregnant and meet with yet another perinatologist for an opinion if and before we should TTC (try to conceive). I am really hoping that with gluten out of my system, and my increased awareness on getting my health in top condition I would be able to have a successful pregnancy...as long as I get on it soon, I am not getting any younger!

So after this whole pregnancy experience, I was so paranoid of my health. The idea that my body failed me as it did when I was pregnant was a constant fear, and I developed panic attacks on a regular basis. I would wake up on a lovely weekend morning thinking I had some terrible disease and obsess about it. And any thought of me actually having something sent me into a day-long panic where I could concentrate on nothing else. It was honestly crippling. I went to therapy, yet refused medication, and therapy did little to help. So it is amazing that once I went gluten-free, I don't feel that anxiety or panic anymore, or not nearly as often. It is a great freedom! Now if I could just cure my fear of flying (though being married to an Englishman means I can't avoid it)!

This past year I have met so many wonderful people, and learned so much. 13 months ago, I would never imagine this is where my life would be, but I don't regret it at all. And if I can provide even one person with a piece of knowledge that I have learned then I feel really great. Sometimes I surprise myself with the knowledge I have retained from so many amazing sources out there. And most of all, I have to thank my super supportive family, even my 5-year old Z will warn me when there is gluten in something and when she plays kitchen she is sure to offer me only gluten-free cakes!

Happy anniversary to me!!

Let's get this party started!

I am finally feeling motivated to do something about this weight gain since being gluten-free. It seems like it should have been going in the opposite direction, that I should have lost weight, but I was one of those fortunate people who lost lots of weight before diagnosis to gain it back after (note the sarcasm). I guess I have just been going crazy baking and trying to prove gluten-free foods are just as good, if not better than gluten-filled foods.

I joined a gym. Something I have not done in 5 years! The last time I was at the gym I was 8 months pregnant and probably in better shape than I am now. But I am so sick of this, and ready to get working on myself, to not only feel better, but to also hopefully get in great shape so I can get pregnant all over again, and go into it being the best I can be.

I started out doing zumba a few weeks ago, which I am doing 2 times week and am totally in love with, in addition to walking 5 miles 3-4 mornings a week. The cardio is great, but I am really wanting to tone my arms, back, legs, shall I continue?? So, I gave in and joined Anytime Fitness, which is where I take zumba class. I must say, looking out onto Lake Michigan sure makes working out a bit easier, it makes a great backdrop. It is nice that I have the ability to work out at 3am if that I what I am craving, but I highly doubt that will ever happen. I am way too paranoid for that nonsense.

I am trying to be realistic, and using my little sister's wedding, in October, as my goal, I just want to look good in my bridesmaid dress, and not look like a chunky monkey compared to all of the other beautiful girls in the wedding.

And if after that time we decide to TTC (trying to conceive) then all the better. That is whole other topic, but the short version is this....we have a wonderful daughter, who will be 5 next week, and I would absolutely love to have another, especially now with her going into kindergarden, and me craving to have a tiny baby again. Oh, and her constant asking for a baby sister doesn't help either. However, at the very end of my pregnancy I developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. It definitely deserves a post of its own, but let's just say that is the reason she is currently an only child, because I am terrified to put her mom's life at risk to go through pregnancy again.

Why can't having another baby be as easy as finding a pregnant high school student like in Juno? But, sadly, it is not that easy. I even joked with my friend yesterday that I needed to start hanging out where all the knocked-up teenagers hang out who want to give up their babies. I know we could give a baby a great home, it is just the getting one that I can't get my head around.

But what's most important to is to be as healthy as I can be for my family. I am determined to take an active role in making that happen..because hey, I wanna be a MILF!