The Flour Gurl

And introducing...The Flour Gurl.  Yes, that's me - your personal guide to gluten-free living.  I am now providing real-life gluten-free tutoring services.....not just through a screen!

This is something I have been wanting to do for years, and I am starting off this year with a new adventure or two, but first we will start with this one:

The Flour Gurl

The name of my blog will not change, it will just be 'Gluten-Free Musings" by The Flour Gurl.  But now, I will be doing much more than just having a blog.  I want to put a name with what I have been doing for years...directly helping people navigate the world of gluten-free living.  This can be overwhelming and daunting to someone new to this way of life.  For someone who is newly diagnosed, has a child who is newly diagnosed, or having to accommodate gluten-free guests, this can seem downright isolating and impossible.

I remember how I felt when I was diagnosed 6 years ago, when the doctor's nurse told me casually over the phone that I tested positive for celiac disease.  It sent me in a whirlwind of emotions, I felt like the bottom had just been taken out from under me.  I felt completely alone. I was in disbelief, I was in anger, I was in denial, I cried....a lot.  For all the details, read here.

My goal is to help people, who are new to the gluten-free diet, navigate the overwhelming world of gluten-free living, as a tutor would help a student learn French.  Being new to the gluten-free diet really is like learning a new language.  One has to relearn how to approach food, dining situations and even personal care products.  I am not a doctor, nor do I have any medical training, but I live the life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with absolutely no exceptions.  

For several years I have worked on the corporate side as a consultant for gluten-free companies helping them fine tune their message for the consumer, and working with individuals here and there.  But now, I would like to turn that around and really focus on the individual, which is what I enjoy most. I love working with people, and I love talking "gluten-free".  Some topics I will cover include, but are not limited to: 

- converting your kitchen, and home, into a safe gluten-free environment;

- addressing cross-contamination;

- shopping and label reading;

- dining out and travel;

- attending social events and holiday gatherings;

- recipe conversion;

I really look forward to this new adventure and working with those new to the gluten-free lifestyle. Please email me at anne@theflourgurl.com to set up an appointment, and for current rates.

And, as for my next adventure........you will just have to wait, and read.....

A slight detour...

First, I am going to give a disclaimer, this is not a post about gluten-freeness. But this is about something I have spoken about before and something that is very difficult and painful for me, and dammit, this is my blog, so I will write about it, and maybe it will be cathartic. Pregnancy and non-pregnancy.

I have written before about how we have one wonderful, amazing, superstar daughter, Z, and she is the light of my life. I could not have ever expected how much you could love someone so unconditionally until I had her. It is hard to imagine I managed to live 32 years without her, before she came into our lives. I also wrote about how I had very serious complications in her pregnancy with severe pre-eclapmsia and HELLP syndrome. Well my little baby Z is now two months shy of 7, and for almost 7 years I have suffered PTSD of that experience.

And in those 7 years, I have enjoyed my time, more than words can say, with my little Z, but because of the PTSD, we only have our one daughter. Whenever I feel closer and closer to being able to give into that fear and just go for it, I get gripped with the horror of feeling claustrophobic and of going through the same experience I had last time, or even worse, of Z loosing her mom, just because I tried to expand our family and give her a sibling. It is a feeling of panic that is difficult to explain. When most people feel joy at the thought of pregnancy, I feel like it is an illness. I see pregnancy as a life-threatening 9-month illness, and my mind can't get away from that.

I have been to a specialist for high risk pregnancies in Chicago, and here in Atlanta, and both times they basically said the same thing. There is a risk it will happen again, about 30%, and a risk I could be on hospital bed-rest with a premature baby. At the same time they also said if I want another I should go for it. Then I ask them what they would say if I was their wife, or their daughter and they said the same thing. The last specialist to tell me that was exactly a year ago.

Well, now I am 39. Six months away from big 4-0. Looming over my head life a freaking black cloud. I used to joke with M that when I was 37 the "shop" would be closed for business, and then it was 38, and now...40? I am so terrified at the thought of being pregnant, yet, I don't want it to be over. I have saved every bit of Z's clothing, and all her toys. I want to use it again. I love the newborn stage and crave to do it again. I want to watch a child of mine grow from a helpless baby to someone with real thoughts and opinions. Why do I have to be so damn scared? Why can I not let go? Why can I not flip a switch? I know so many people who tell me, they know someone, who knows someone who had pre-eclampsia with one and then went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy. Well, lucky for them!

So, today lucky me, I have my annual girlie check-up. Not one of my highlights for the year. The thought of going to the girlie Dr. brings back terrible memories of my pre-eclampsia/HELLP ordeal, and I will spend all morning in a panic. And of course I walk in the office this morning and the waiting room is full of pregnant women..all except me. Since I am pretty new to Atlanta, this is only my second time to this practice, and last time I felt like the doctor was a little cold, so I decided to try a different one this time around. Maybe not the best decision.

This doctor did her routine check-up, and then I mentioned how I am still not sure I am done, and I still really want another, and then she looks at me like I have two heads and says she would not recommend I get pregnant again. That because of my age and my history, it would not be wise. That I would have a high risk of not only a repeat of the pre-eclampsia and HELLP, but also of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities and my own possible issues with infertility. And then she says this winning gem: "You should have done this five years ago." The tears started forming as the sentence came out of her mouth. How could she say this to someone? Instead, she gave me the card of a therapist to talk to about the PTSD, and my appointment was done. It was the mental equivalent of a one-night stand.

Wow. Yeah five years ago. I should have. But I didn't, and I can't change that now!!! If I got pregnant 5 years ago, I probably would have had to of been taken away in a stretcher because of major anxiety. What can I even say to this? I have made mistakes, but I can't go back in time.

"You should have done this five years ago."

I also have to think, this doctor who I saw today, while she might be the head of the practice, she is not a high-risk doctor, and she has not seen my detailed records as the specialists have. But at the same time, I am going to be 40, and that number can't be disguised. I can't get rid of it, it is standing there like a huge tollbooth that I must pass to cross the bridge into the next phase of my life, and leaving my child-bearing, fertile, young years behind. The specialists may have had more optimism, but I was also a year younger, and I know there is fact to back up with what today's doctor said so eloquently to me, but did she have to be so callous? And there is a good chance that, on my own, I would choose not to have another, because I know I cannot handle the pregnancy part of it. Which is such a shame, because what is nine months compared to a lifetime of having family. But then I guess nine months is a pretty big deal when I risk my life for it. But I just didn't want the decision to be made for me. I wanted to have that little sliver of hope left that just maybe.

"You should have done this five years ago."

It just hurts so damn much to see siblings interact and play with each other, and know that my little girl will never have that experience. She won't have a sibling to love, and I won't have another baby to raise. When my friends get pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd even 5th child I am happy, I really am, but there is a part of me that feels so sad and evious too. Ok, maybe I don't want a 4th, but I would just love a 2nd. I want that experience of having a slightly bigger family.

"You should have done this five years ago."

At the same time, I know how extremely lucky I am to have my one. And I know a lot of women who suffered from pre-eclampsia and HELLP were not so lucky. Many of them have had to leave the hospitals without a baby in their arms, and in some cases their husbands have left without their wives and babies. Z and I really are one of the lucky ones, and I am forever grateful. So why does it seem so unfair when women can have easy-breezy home births, they can have multiple children and be happy and carefree the entire time without a thought of complications. Sometimes I really wish I was one of them. Someone who when I saw that positive pregnancy test would be ecstatic, and that feeling would continue for 9 months. Why does it hurt so much?

"You should have done this five years ago."

People will ask me why we don't adopt, or have a surrogate. And the answer is simple. Money. I would absolutely adopt in a second if I could. It doesn't seem fair does it, with so many children around the world without parents because of war or famine, even in our own country. Yet to give one of these children a loving home we have to have the money to get through the bureaucracy of if to make it happen. Though if I was willing to get pregnant, we would be able to have one for free...well, it would not be free after it was born, but you get my drift.

So, basically today just sucked. I was happy to have an uneventful appointment, but I left there feeling empty, confused and hurt. I still feel like I am 20, how did I get to be almost 40? I am not ready to leave this phase of life, the "childbearing" years behind. Time goes by too damn quickly.

As said on Parenthood this week, 40s are not the new 30s when it comes to your ovaries.

I hope someday there is a cure for pre-eclampsia and HELLP, so others don't have to go through the same experience.

Whoa...I apologize for the heaviness of this post.

I think the words: "You should have done this five years ago," will haunt me for way too long.

A sore recovery

I decided to document my glutening yesterday, because not only was it the first time since going gluten-free that I knew exactly what the offending gluten-filled item was, but I haven't eaten this much gluten since before I knew I had celiac, so I had no clue how my body would react.

Typically when I get glutened, I will feel it within 30 minutes of the offending crumb or cross-contamination, I get very bloated, and I get what feels like slowly creeping heartburn that turns into full stomach burn, cramps and discomfort. I always have Pepto on me in such emergencies, and I will take this and drink a couple of cups of hot chamomile tea.

So, what I have learned is in this type of situation where I ate like 1000+ times of the usual gluten if I get glutened, it was a game changer, and my body reacted completely different.

Actually it took over 2 hours before I felt anything at all. The heartburn, stomach cramps never happened....I kept waiting, and after 2 hours thought maybe my body was in such shock, nothing would happen. Maybe I didn't even have celiac??!! <-------Insert hysterical laughter here. If only I could be so lucky. After about 5 cups of hot chamomile tea trying to flush the poison out of my system, I started feeling nauseous. I figured this was because I was getting sick and tired injecting this dang tea down my throat.

I was getting bored, so I thought I would take a nap...as soon as my head hit the sheets I felt like I was on a slow moving, very wobbly boat. I could not lie horizontal. I got up, paced around, tried again, same deal. No dice, no sleep. And then the waves got worse, and then the toilet became my best friend. I had no clue I could throw up so much. Finally, when I had a few minutes of calm, I took some Pepto hoping that would do the trick...nope, instead, I received a lovely pink reminder. I felt utterly miserable, I just wanted to hide in a corner and for it to stop. I was literally poisoned. Finally when I did get relief the migraine came, and at that point, I was scared to take medicine worrying that, that would not stay down. When the pain got too bad, and I was blinded by the vision crappiness that comes with a migraine, I gave in, took the pills and got some sleep.

I struggled to get up in the afternoon to get to a meeting and then came home and crashed. I woke up today feeling very sore from all the upchuck, and still a bit fragile.

I hope this post doesn't make me out to be a whiner, but this was an entirely new experience for me, and definitely one I do not wish to repeat. I find it curious that in all of that, I never had the stomach ache, cramping, or bloating. Now, I just worry, the next time I do get accidentally glutened by a crumb, which way will my body react?

I am also very grateful that I feel so much better today. I imagine, my stupid mistake caused some damage to my interior. But I am very appreciate of not having to be in bed today, and being able to help out in my daughter's art class, pick her up from school, and run to Whole Foods to pick up some yogurt. I am very thankful for those things.

Let's just say, I won't be making that mistake again.

The awful waffle!

By complete accident, I ate a gluten-filled waffle this morning. How does that happen you ask. Because I am an idiot.

Friends will comment how extreme I am when checking ingredients, asking questions at restaurants, asking friends about cooking methods when they cook for me, so for this to happen to me makes it even more ironic.

I typically buy gluten-free waffles for Z for her to have a quick breakfast, it is not ideal, and full of empty carbs, but sometimes it is all I can get her to eat in the morning. I usually stay away from them, because I know in an hour I will be starving, and they are just not the best nutritional choice. And I buy gluten-free, because our house is gluten-free, end of story. So it is not like I grabbed the wrong one out of our own freezer.

The other day on my day of running errands...Target, Publix, Whole Foods, Old Navy, H&M, and finally Trader Joe's, before running home to eat quickly and pick up Z from school, I got to the frozen section at Trader Joe's and I just picked up the waffles quickly from where they always are, next to the gluten-free pancakes, I didn't even think about it. Typically, I look the box over to be sure I picked up gluten-free instead of gluten waffles, but this time, I just took it for granted.

M is the one who makes Z's breakfast and gets her lunch ready while I get her and I dressed and out the door to get her to school. I usually eat nothing, but this morning, since I was planning on going for a long walk, and am avoiding Starbucks, I knew I needed calories to get through the next hour or so. I yell at him, from the bedroom, to make me a waffle too.

I grab the waffle and my tea as I run out the door. I take a bite of the waffle in the car, and it has a strange texture, a bit drier and grainier, maybe flax seed. Maybe Trader Joe's is using a new waffle manufacturer? I call M to ask him to check to make sure I got the right waffles. He doesn't answer, so the idiot that I am, I eat the rest...thinking why in the world would I have bought gluten-filled waffles, when it is just second nature for me to check everything that comes into the house. He calls me back, and goes to check in the freezer....and I get the horrible news "they are not gluten-free". ARGH!!!!!! All the sudden I had major anxiety and wondered if I should hurl on the side of the road to get it out of me. The kids walking to school would love that! I felt extremely violated, and the worst part, I did it to myself! I was in tears. In almost three years I have not accidentally had more than a crumb, and I am pretty sensitive. And now I just had a full waffle!!

I got Z to class, raced home, and now I am on my 3rd cup of chamomile tea, and took 2 probiotics. I am full of anxiety, because I am not sure what to expect with ingesting this much. I usually feel sick within 30 minutes, but now it has been 2 hours, and I am waiting on pins and needles when it is going to hit. I mentally feel as if I swallowed poison.

I was joking that since I had this much gluten, I might as well go all the way and get that slice of Fellini's pizza that I drool over, or a baguette, or matzo ball soup, since I am getting sick anyway <-----but let me be clear, this is just a joke, I would NEVER intentionally eat gluten, this was purely a joke. I am full of such anxiety of how this is going to affect me, I am just trying to be humorous about it, or I will cry.

I thought since this is the first time I actually know when I ate the gluten, and it was such a large amount, relatively speaking, I would document it, for my knowledge as well as for others. I will come back periodically throughout the day to revise.

7:45 - ate offending gluten-filled waffle

8:30 - took 2 probiotics, drink 2 cups of tea

8:30 - perhaps the start of a headache way under the surface. very anxious, is it from the gluten or from my own nerves?

9:20 - getting chills

10:00 - feeling a bit nauseous, but it could be from the endless stream of tea that is getting hard to swallow now.

10:20 - throwing up..so not fun :( Won't get into details here, let's just say nothing helped. Nothing stayed down. Continues for a good hour.

11:30 - migraine.

12:00 (noon) - nap

1:00 - woke up groggy and had to start my day.

Part 2: the waffle conclusion.

Starbucks Anonymous

I am writing this, because one, I have an addiction; and two, I kind of want to see if my husband really reads what I write, because this post would probably thrill him, since he rolls his eyes every time I step foot in Starbucks.

I admit, I have become addicted, like seriously (what do they put in this stuff?)...and I don't even drink coffee. Actually it would probably be better if I did since it has much less calories. I just love having the warm goodness of a chai tea latte in the mornings. I have gotten into this daily routine of going for a nice 4-mile morning walk, taking a pit-stop after 2 miles for a favorite chai. There is just something so warm and fuzzy about holding it in my hands as it warms my body on an early morning walk with friends. It seems to make everything all good, and give a jump start to the day.

And as it seems I could walk 10 miles a morning, and it would still not change the arrow on the scale, last night I had an a-ha moment.....so I looked up the calorie count of Starbuck drinks and think I found at least one of the obstacles in my way....my grande chai latte is 262 calories a cup!! (So if hypothetically one would drink one daily during the week that is an extra 1300 calories! Not to mention $20 a week.) What horrified me even more was when I looked up the hot chocolate, and the salted caramel hot chocolate is 360 calories, and a white hot chocolate is 420 calories!! If only I could like coffee!

Usually I feel like I am realistic about what I eat, but with my Starbucks crack, I guess I was just in denial. I guess for some reason it is easier to overlook calories when it is in a glass and in liquid form.

It was a definite eye opener, and no matter how much M would tell me I was spending too much money indulging in this habit, it was the calorie count that has really hit me hard.

I guess the next time I feel an urge to go to Starbucks, it will be for a shaken iced green tea lemonade at 45 calories (and cheaper with free refills if you have a gold card, which I must embarrassingly admit that I do), or maybe I should just stick to plain H..2..0.

So M, if you are reading this, and let's hope you are.....I am going to try and steer clear from my addiction, save some money and calories. I need to make water and lemon slices my best friend.

I would love to hear of the indulgent addiction of others, anyone?

Thyroid Schmyroid, part deux

I apologize I have been totally MIA, somehow life seems to be moving way too fast. Z is going to be six, and I am just shocked that it was six years ago I had my daughter.

Ok.....got that out....anyway...I finally saw a doctor. I was going to just go to my girlie doctor, since that is the only doctor I have down here so far, but decided I should go straight to the type of doctor that specializes in this, so I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. I must admit, I have not read obsessively about underactive thryoid stuff online, because I know me, and I know I can't handle medical stuff and the more I stay away from medical research online, the better.

I must admit first....since going gluten-free my anxiety level has tremendously dropped, except when it comes to going to a doctor. Once I get ten miles from the doctor office, my heart starts racing, and I desperately need a bathroom. Yes, I said it...I get the most nervous tummy, and usually the first thing I have to do when I walk in the building, even before checking, is go to the bathroom. Am I crazy, or what?

Since this is a new doctor, I am extra nervous, and probably loose 5 pounds before I even get into the examining room. A good weight loss program for me....having to regularly go to a doctor. Major white coat syndrome.

I told the doctor what my thyroid numbers were for the last couple of years and all the sudden she breaks out an ultrasound machine....cue, my need to go potty! I wasn't expecting this, I don't like the idea of there even being a need for someone to have to look at my insides even if it is my fingertip. And honestly, if I have to have an ultrasound, I would rather it be to look for a baby and heartbeat....not some mystery thing in my throat. I thought I was going to hyperventilate and pass out when she was looking at my throat, I couldn't even look at the screen.

Thankfully, everything was fine there and then she ran a bunch of bloodwork.

The result, my TSH is 4.62, and she has me started on 25 mg Synthroid. It seems like a small amount, but I go back in, in six weeks to see how my TSH is liking it. I don't love that I have to take it first thing in the morning, an hour before food, but I am very curious how it will change how I feel. I always thought I was pretty energetic, but maybe I am not as energetic as I could be. And if I could loose weight once again, I would be more than thrilled!

And as I try to step cautiously into maybe, possibly TTC, well then I know my thyroid needs to be in good shape, and at almost 39, I don't have much time to mess around.

Other than my thyroid number, I also learned I am a little low in vitamin D, which was 28 and should be between 30-100. Hmmm...well I have taken a gel cap of 1,000 iu D3 daily for 2 years...do I need more? Do I need to lay out?

I did not yet find out if I have thyroid antibodies, but I will save finding out that bit of info until my follow-up visit.

I had spoke to some friends about Armour, the natural form of thyroid hormone, which comes from pig thyroid, and they love it, but somehow I am not in love with that idea right now.

Again, I would love to hear from people who have experience with underactive thyroid and Synthroid.